First-Born Syndrome or First-Parent Syndrome?
By Dr. Grettel Martinez
Becoming a new parent has many challenges. These challenges can influence not only the way we parent, but they can also impact our children. When I started private practice, I had a niche area in the treatment and evaluation of young children (under the age of 5), which naturally provided me access to new parents and first-borns. I began to notice a conglomeration of characteristics of first-borns.
Is there such thing as first-born syndrome? I wondered. I was thinking about children who are born first and are not the only child in a family. These children are brought in by the parents at around the ages of 3 to 5 and are often presenting similarly, with complaints of anxiety, quick anger or frustration, poor emotional regulation, average to high-average intelligence, emotional sensitivity and heightened sensitivity to their environments.
The first child I encountered with these symptoms was my own daughter. Having children myself helped me understand what other parents were experiencing. As I treated these children younger than 5, I noticed that what I experienced was far more common than I thought. I felt a sense of relief. These parents were out of their wits, very frustrated in the relationship with their child, emotionally exhausted and walking on eggshells to not emotionally hurt or frustrate their little one. They loved this young person so much and wanted to help them dearly, but nothing was working.
These parents were loving, attuned to their children, sensitive to their needs and intelligent themselves. They were not doing anything wrong, except nothing was working. They had read books about development in the womb, how to eat healthy while pregnant, child development, best childhood practices, parent coaching and the like.
I started asking the same questions repeatedly, and they agreed almost 100 percent with me. The characteristics I noted were: picky eaters, light sleepers a strong preference to sleep with the parent, co-sleeping during the first months or year of life, short naps or no naps at all, worriers and watchful (opposite to carefree), environmentally sensitive (to light, sound, smell, place, people), sensitive to changes in their immediate surroundings, slow to warm up to strangers, very perceptive to their surroundings, inquisitive, seemingly introverted, sensitive to clothes and/or touch, strong-willed and emotionally sensitive, just to name a few.
I couldn’t determine if these children were sensitive because they were the first-born (and a result of their environment) or intrinsically that way. As first parents, we tend to give more attention to our children: We run to their cries more quickly; we lack knowledge on a lot of things; we lack practicality; we tend to listen more to others’ advice than to follow our own voice; and we are apprehensive. In looking out for our child’s best interests, we can become absorbed in our own worries and our desires to do everything perfect for our children. None of these actions can be condemned or reproached because the intentions are well-meant.
When families have more children, parents are obligated to be more flexible. Suddenly, there is less time to follow a manual of ideal parenting practices. Physical and mental fatigue takes over and parenting becomes good enough. This was the advice I had for parents.
I cannot generalize for all parents, but most first parents would agree that they are more anxious and quicker to respond to their child’s cry, run to the doctor or hospital to the first signs of illness, and do whatever it takes to eliminate discomfort for their child. In other words, as first parents, we can become hyper-alert, overly responsive and overly sensitive to our children. These behaviors shape our parenting and our children’s early years. Children grow to be in many ways like us. We provide the buffer for our children when facing challenges, and if that buffer is very sensitive, theirs will be, as well.
To new parents: There is nothing that you’re doing wrong. After all, first-time parenting is trial-and-error learning. Aim to be the “good enough parent.” This term was first coined by psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott in the 1800s. While times have significantly changed since then, the theory can still be applied to modern-day parenting.
A good enough parent does not expect to raise children in a perfect world and does not expect perfection from their children, either. They meet their child’s needs by being in tune with them and providing emotional and physical connection, safety and affection. They follow their instinct while also allowing the child to learn to self-regulate, to explore and form their own opinions of the world they live in. This also allows children to fully develop their own identity and their own persona.
Luckily, it gets better. Most children mature out of these characteristics. And because they have been provided loving care and more than just the basic needs, they thrive and become successful and happy children. These are some of the readings I recommend for new and “old” parents:
The Whole-Brain Child, 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries and Phobias, by Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D.
The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, by Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
The Emotional Life of The Toddler, by Alicia F. Lieberman, Ph.D.
Happy reading!